A few days ago I was discussing with a friend the stupid silly men I get on the phone, some of whom genuinely have very odd requests, most are just being tossers, thinking it’s a fun idea to ring up a gay male escort on speaker phone so their friends can laugh at it over a three litre bottle of white lightening cider, some however genuinely have very odd requests and I wonder what on earth is going on in their mind at times. Yes I am generally unshockable but the things they ask beggars belief.
This post came about because a few days ago I was having a rather nice afternoon at a local garden centre with a friend, when a very strange Asian gentleman phoned me and asked if I could be available from 3pm for a three hour appointment. That itself rang alarm bells, guys don’t book three hours without some sort of advanced notice. They’ll ring and ask to see me this afternoon for an hour and a half or for two hours tonight but three hours, to start in 45 minutes time is relatively unheard of. I said yes to the appointment and gave him a price. He then asked if I was into anything kinky….kinky….what sort of kinky. I could hardly make out his English but eventually it became clear that he wanted to wank me off with his feet, aka Foot Fetish. I said that was fine. He then said “…and during the appointment can we drive out to the countryside and have sex in a field on a tartan rug”. I have a car and I’ve two tartan rugs so I said we could see how things progressed first, I never said yes and I never said no. Then he added “….and when I arrive can the front door be open, me walk in and you be on the bed with your arse in the air, awaiting my cock”. Errm it was quite obvious he was timewasting me. I don’t leave my front door ajar for anyone, never mind a new guy and I don’t have outdoor sex unless I know someone.
The bizarre requests and conversations don’t stop there. On many occasions I have text a gentleman back with a price, to receive a reply along the lines of “Oh do I have to pay”. Yeah, I pay £9.99 a month for an online advert so you can have free sex, not. Another regular request, this time by cross dressers, is “Can I arrive in full drag”. No you can’t. Would you like it if I arrived on your street dressed only in a jockstrap…no forget I said that, someone will ask for that next week. I need discretion and so a 6ft, 18 stone truck driver in a fur coat, basque and heels is not acceptable at my front door sorry. Cross dressers are welcome at my door but I would rather they got dressed indoors at my home and not before. I don’t run some sort of sleazy pick up joint. I have neighbours and I need to be relatively unnoticed in my street.
I get countless requests for guys who want to bring their girlfriend along to watch and one sick individual who asked if he could bring his sister along. I have been asked by one guy, whilst in his home, naked on the bed, if his pet dog could sniff my arse… no….and I’ve been asked half way through an appointment if his wife could join in, as she’s “upstairs reading a book”.
I’ve been asked on dozens of occasions to accompany guys to a sauna and join in the fun with everyone whilst I am there. I was recently asked if I could drive to Bishop Auckland for car park sex because it would be too expensive for him to come all the way to Newcastle, for half an hour and if I travelled to Bishop Auckland he would pay my petrol money (only my petrol money lol). I’ve been asked if I would accept high street vouchers in lieu of cash and I’ve recently been asked if I could do an outcall to Darlington and allow him to pay double next time as he was a bit short of cash this month.
I am regularly asked if I offer discounts to first timers, take credit cards and cheques and if I will come to a stag night and embarrass the stag as his escort for the night, yeah… I really want my face punched in by a bloke who doesn’t get the joke, what a great idea. I have had a mother on the phone asking me to “break in” her 16 year old son on his birthday, which I declined too.
The most unusual request I have ever had was from a client who was desperate to see a black escort from Middlesbrough, I had seen this client twice and he was fine with me, then out of the blue he asked if he could rent my apartment for an hour, for £20, to see a black guy off adultwork, he added in the text “…and you can join in if you like…. for a fee….he said you only need to pay half price for his services as you’re an escort”. Yeah, that’s a really great idea, lets just leave two strangers to rummage around in my house and pay for the privilege if I want to stay. What about my fee !!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say, I turned down that request. I am not having an escort I don’t know and a client I hardly know let loose in my home. I recommended he booked a £19 room at Metro Inns (used to be the Forumla 1) and saved himself a quid, that went down well, his reply wasn’t very nice. Damn cheek.